I thank God for perspective.
The last 20 months has been full of struggles, particularly when it comes to running. I have dealt with a handful of sidelining injuries, and I have been unable to run well even when I have been healthy. I have become jealous watching those around me get faster, while I stay the same - even though I work as hard, if not harder. I have become frustrated with my body after consecutive injuries have kept from being able to run and train. Each time I return from injury, I feel like I am starting from scratch. I have become embarrassed by my running times because they have all been slower than my PRs from high school. I have become embarrassed by my performances as I have continued to lose to people that I feel like I should be able to beat, and that I have, in fact, beat in the past. I have felt dissonance about not being as fast as I think that I should be, and not continuing on the trajectory of improvement that I followed throughout high school. I miss the euphoric groove that only comes when you are fit and pushing your limits in a race. Most of all, I have been down on myself about the fact that that my main obstacle to success has been my own mental state. I have allowed mental weakness to keep me from performing to my potential. Numerous times, I have backed away at the onset of discomfort. Basically, I have found it easy to get down on myself because of my lack of performance.
This past weekend was one of those moments of struggle. It was my first race in a few months, and it sucked. My training has been minimal due to an irritating IT band issue, nevertheless, I watched myself back off in the middle of a race when discomfort came. I watched myself fade to the back of the race as I thought about how much I wanted the race to be over. My time and my effort sucked. It was a major blow to my confidence and my self-esteem. The fact that much of my daily schedule and my life revolve around running made me question whether my actions are meaningful or in vain. I even questioned my self-worth. As at other times in the past, my struggle made me wonder if my days of competitive running are over. It made me wonder if my fastest and strongest days are in the past. I considered giving up - even though I know I have so much more potential; so much unfinished business.
Thankfully though, God has helped me to have perspective in this time of struggle. I have been down about the fact that I have yet to feel strong in a race in 22 months. But, then I realized that there are many others that have gone much longer without seeing a glimpse of improvement. One of my role-models Ryan Hall, who is a professional marathon runner, has gone over two years without completing a marathon due to numerous injuries and training set backs. Despite many disappointments and harsh criticism, he has continued to pour time and effort into his craft because he knows that he has more potential and to give up now would be to sacrifice the gift that God has given him. Other runners have similar stories. Alan Webb, former American miler phenom who ran a 3:53 mile in high school and later set an American mile record in 3:46, has gone through nearly a decade of setbacks and disappointing performances. People have dished out harsh criticism to him; he has long been regarded as "washed-up." Nevertheless, he has continued to invest time and effort to run as well as he can - even though he is not able to return to his former glory days. The 2013 Boys NXN champion (i.e. the national high school cross country champion), Kai Wilmot, went through over a year of struggle with various injuries before finally breaking through with a victory over the top high school runners in the nation. Kai spent his junior year with an IT band issue during xc season, a hip injury during indoor track and stress fracture in his shin during outdoor track that he left him unable to compete well for the whole year. But, he didn't give up. His stubborn perseverance led him to win the biggest high school race in the nation. Finally, Lukas Verzbicas, a talented young runner and triathlete who had the potential to be the best in the world, went through one of the biggest setbacks of all. He was in a cycling accident in the summer of 2012 that left him with two broken vertebrae, a broken clavicle, an injured spine, multiple torn muscles, and a collapsed lung. Doctors did not think that he would ever be able to run again. Yet, he has continued to challenge the limits of his body despite now having screws and a metal plate inside of him as well as muscles that have had to regrow. He has persevered through countless rehab and therapy sessions, and has resumed training as a triathlete. His body does not have all the capabilities that it used to have, yet he has realized that there is more to running and doing triathlons than the outcome of races.
Realizing the setbacks of the above individuals and others, including many of my own friends, helps me to put my setbacks into perspective. Furthermore, the perseverance of individuals who have gone through far worse than me, yet continue to work toward their goals, inspires me to continue on. I do not know if I will ever be as fast as I would like, but I do know that God has gifted me with the ability to run, and I will continue to utilize this gift, striving to be the best I can be. At the end of the day, running is not everything, but working to fulfill my potential and to complete the task that God has given me in this universe is of the upmost importance. Thus, whether I am struggling to run fast, find purpose, complete a career goal, or fight death, I will know that all things can be put into perspective and will require embracing perseverance.
** This post shared my pride, ego, doubts and lack of faith. You may think that I am shallow after reading about my thoughts and emotions, which is fine. Please note that I am not endorsing my characteristics, thoughts or actions as being Christian. I realize that I am a sinful person that is in need of God's grace and redemption. I pray that he will help me to not be prideful, narcissistic, inconsiderate of others, or idolatrous. Nevertheless, I wish to be honest in sharing my struggles with the hope that you will connect to something I say.
