This past weekend all the CCU athletes attended a retreat. During the retreat God woke me up! Let me explain... Have you ever seen the scene from Facing the Giants where all the students are out on the football field praying? (If not, watch it here.) Well, I had that experience... or at least close to it.
Ever since graduation, I have had a lot on my mind. I have been questioning my beliefs, the purpose of life, the actions of those around me, etc. I have just been weighed down by a lot of thoughts, and I have had this ongoing since of dissatisfaction. Basically, I have been discovering myself, and what I want for my life. But, it has also been more than that.
In any case, Saturday night was very moving. It started off with a good worship service, which suddenly turned amazing. We had heard the message, and were finishing the service with some worship songs when we all opened ourselves up to God, and the SPIRIT came into that gymnasium. Before you knew it, dozens of CCU's student athletes - myself included - were down on our hands and knees, talking to God, laying down our burdens, and having God calm our souls. We also began praying for each other, and with each other. It was amazing to see the way God worked in us and spoke to us when we stepped out of our comfort zone and let Him take control. I bonded with the Cross Country team in a deeply spiritual way through that experience, and God spoke to my heart about some things that had been on my mind. Thus, as soon as we left the gymnasium, I ran to my cabin to grab my notebook and began an intense journaling session in which I wrote down what I was hearing God say to me (thoughts are cemented better in my mind when I write them down). Here are some of those thoughts:
Over the past few months, I have been seeking what I think God's will is, but I haven't had His Spirit with me. I have been doing some good things, but without my eyes on Christ I have also allowed the devil to sneak into my life in some ways. Without The Spirit to guide me, I have been acting as a god of sorts - relying on myself and my own (often faulty) decision-making instead of listening to what God has to say. I have tried to live independent of God, and in doing so I have realized how dependent on Him I am.
For example, when I made the decision to come to CCU, I thought that I was making a trade-off: I was having my spiritual needs met, but I wouldn't be receiving as good of an education as what I could get somewhere else. While this is true in pure human standards (where we make ourselves into gods of sorts); this is not true in life with God. God is all-knowing. Thus, following and relying on Him is better than anything that an education can give you. Why would I need more intelligence if God is all-knowing? I can't outsmart God. The thought of even trying is silly, and makes me laugh at myself... Basically, this realization has shown me that I depend on Him whether he leads me to a college education or elsewhere. Believing I can live on my own - determining my own purpose, and making my own decisions - is a lie from the devil that tries to separate me from God. No matter what, I must rely on Him.
I am a strong believer that the presence of God is found in our brokenness. I believe that when we let go of our lives, God comes in and takes over. As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."For a while I have been wanting to know what it means to truly depend on God; by that, I mean that I have been wanting to experience dependence on Him. I thought this would come through an extended trip in which I would live with homeless or with impoverished in another country, forcing me to rely on God to meet my physical needs. I had no idea that God would reveal my dependence on Him in this way. I need Him to lead me and guide me, so that I don't become prideful and turn myself into a god by making decisions that will have bad consequences. Moreover, I don't just rely on God for physical needs; I rely on Him in all aspects of life, and I am sure that I will discover more of the ways that I rely on Him as I continue on this journey.
